Dear Crystal,

Dear Anthea,
GO, GO GO!! The only happy ending, if you don't join him, will be the result of a full body massage in the back room of somebody's shady unit!
Let's face it, hun, you only see family on birthdays and Christmas (and Skype calls are much easier to leave than a family dinner) and we go through friends like my third husband used to go through prawns at a buffet.
I bet you don't keep in touch with all your "best friends forever" from school? Or uni? Or your first three jobs? Ditch the friends, divorce from the family (but keep yourself in their will) and make the trip.
Some of my fondest memories have involved mysterious trips to foreign countries with my 6th ex-husband, and I'm sure you'll have some happy endings like I did - just tell your hubby you're going shopping.

Dear Crystal,
A RECENT hospital spell has left me with a colostomy bag for the rest of the year. I'm 20. How am I supposed to pick up girls like this? I feel like my life is ruined. Any advice you could give would be really appreciated, Crystal.
Christopher, Townsville

Dear Christopher,
THAT is hardly the attitude to have my dear! You have been given an opportunity that next to nobody else your age can claim to have.
I know your type, Chris. Before the hospital visit you were probably only unique for your collection of Spongebob Squarepants underwear. Now you can be the centre of attention wherever you go!
All a girl wants is a handbag - the gay best friend. Now, for the very first time, you can be something different - the colostomy bag! You will be fending off girls wanting to be yours, so stop sulking inside and start showing it off! And lets face it, any extra storage space in a man is always handy.