CRYSTAL BALLS

Capricorn
The intensity of the Capricorn storm erupts this week when the radically unpredictable Uranus finally decides to side with Pisces and their bare derriere. This will allow you to engage with your fellow man and gain a deeper insight into their soul, especially when Jupiter and Saturn activates your relationship buzzer mid-week. You're in it for the long haul, sweetie, and you'll have to keep putting in the hard yards if you want to get successful.


Cancer
Not known for your accounting ability, you are often swept off your feet with the allure of your credit card, aren't you? Also, stop your public arguments with the ATM machine after it displays an overdrawn balance. Forget about adding to your collection of Peter Andre's discography and Jean Claude Van Damme DVD's, find a potential mate who can look after your books and remember where you left the remote.

Sagittarius
If you're not Scottish, then wearing a kilt makes it a skirt and you a crossdresser. And you know what Aerosmith said about dudes who looked like ladies. Well, you don't, because does anybody understand a word that comes out of Steven Tyler's mouth these days?!

Gemini
The fiery moon of Gemini is being splashed with water from Cancer. In other words? Hook in, my darling, they want you bad. You should've seen the signs, when they stayed back late on Valentines Day and bought you the best present on your birthday. It's time to go all out and capture your prey like a hungry Shark at Bondi Beach. You can thank me later.

Aries
There is a truckload of money on its way to you this week. But don't get too excited just yet, are your parents on holiday? And I bet they didn't have the foresight to take up life insurance advertised by those appealing salesmen in-between my favourite morning shows. So while your bank account will be busy for a few hours, the amount will radically disappear with the logistical costs of a search party - those sniffer dogs don't feed themselves you know. Of course, this will result in a rather nasty interrogation session by ASIO who will notice the unusually inflated amount in your bank account and suspect that you may be a part of a bikie gang. Watch out, darling.

Taurus
Confucius once said, "He who will not economize will have to agonize." This has absolutely nothing at all to do with you this week.

Leo
You will be majorly outmatched by Taurus this week. You can't understand it, but nobody likes your style anymore. Your love life will go south, fast, and just as that inconveniently placed rash fades away. Did I mention that you're way too whiny? People are convinced that you're insane. You are. Get a hold of yourself. Talk to some midgets and feel big again. Your demands are ridiculous, let's face it. All your fast food orders will be wrong. You will starve. Get a job! P.S: Loved you in Inception.

Libra
The extra absorbency that you need, with the protection and security you want.

Virgo
You don't dare tell your mates, but I know your secret - you're a tad too slow in the bedroom. Pick up your game! Take some No-Doze and go on the prowl, it sure worked for sporting superstars Willie Mason, Ben Cousins and their premiership winning efforts. But if worse comes to worse and your lover doesn't understand your sluggish ways, go plow another field! You have a natural sex appeal that most people would die for, so take advantage. Wait. No. Rephrase that: Most people would rather die than getting into bed with you. Looks like your secret's out. Ouch.